Sunday, June 9, 2013

unfriend me

For the sake of lightening up the load - I will pour out some of the baggage in this post. I know that I tried my best not to write off in my blog some of my personal concerns. But I have thought about this a lot - and this means a lot of thinking! I have overworked my brain cells thinking! (hehe)

Where do I start?

Okay, I am hurting. But wait, not on the maximum level... I am just admitting publicly that my heart is breaking. It's nothing to be ashamed of but at the same time its not something I should shout out to the entire world. But then again, I have carefully thought about this and I will be cautious with the words that I will be writing.

Someone told me about a year ago that I get too attached to a person easily - that I trust quickly. Actually that got me wondering. Maybe she's right. I just don't pay attention much when I am loving a person that I consider important to me. This goes to my friends. But what's so wrong about that? When you care and love - you should not hold back right? There should be no doubt at the back of your head!

During my elementary years, I had a bestfriend. I was truthful to that friendship and what I remember most is I never missed a birthday or Christmas without giving her a card. The friendship went on for years but when we reached high school the distance grew between us. Although we remain friends up to the present time but we don't categorize ourselves as bestfriends anymore. 

Then I had another bestfriend in highschool. I remember that I made sure that she felt special to me. On her worst days, I stood beside her and offered her my helping hands. But then again something happened that brought us apart. We encountered huge conflicts and misunderstandings. Time healed everything and now we remain friends, see each other once in a while, and I stood as godmother to her 2 kids.

After that, I met new friends and the list keeps adding up. I always have a tendency of being too extra caring for a friend. I get too overwhelmed. And when a conflict arrives, I get myself in trouble because I am not very good in such situations. I often get myself hurt. The worst part is I am not in my best attitude. When I get hurt - I shut off. I conceal myself in silence as I slowly depart from the friendship. When trust is questioned, it is hard to rekindle the closeness and restore the bond. Honestly, I am not the forgetful type.

Maybe this is because of extremities. I love a friend to the extremes! And when that same person chooses to hurt, offend, and betray me... I could spare that friend with anger to the extremes as well. With anger I mean, erasing that person in my life - finding ways to never be of any connection to that person.

But at some cases, I was able to overcome this ill character. I have this friend since childhood and we call ourselves "barkada" - she got married secretly. Well, I'm not sure if you can really consider it as a secret because on the day of her wedding she texted me, "Kay, I am getting married today". Oh believe me that I was so furious at her. Why? Because how can she keep us, her friends, not informed of a milestone in her life? How can she not consider us of becoming a part of that occasion? Shouldn't you share that with the people who are important to you? I did questioned our friendship and I hated her for quite a long time. Then eventually we had an opportunity to talk - she has reasons of which until to the present day I cannot consider. But I have come to accept the events because it was her day and it was her choice. I can't be self-centered and think only about my feelings.

Over the years, I became used to these lines...

"Kay, I gave birth"           -    it came as a shock because I never noticed that a friend was pregnant! But I went rushing to her house to check on her and the baby she delivered. I became the godmother of that child and the child after that :)
"Kay, today is my last day at work"    -    What?! How could I not be informed ahead when you were my closest person at work? I didn't gave her a kind send off and I am sorry for that because I was fickle minded. Good thing is we remain friends now and we regularly see each other.

Now here comes another unfriendly times... a friend that used to be very close to me (sorry for using past tense) is about to tie the knot on i-don't-know-when. It pains me that she kept it from me. Actually I started to get the hang of it because she didn't tell me in the beginning that she's dating someone new. I didn't knew that they were official but thanks to facebook's status I got the news. I didn't know a lot about her lately. Then I just recently got the news from facebook again that she's engaged. FACEPALM! Was I an awful friend to be exempted? I think I believed too much on our friendship, I think I hoped too much from her, and I think I expected too much - again. It would have been nice to share that moment with her, share the planning part, share the feeling - SHARE!!! But then again she chose not to and I cannot question that. And I am in pain. I cannot even afford to tell her straightly. For more than a month now, it would seem that I am avoiding her. I am quiet to her. I don't know. I can't hurt her with the words that would come out from my mouth. Maybe I'll just wait for facebook to tag me along in the wedding pictures - if that would even happen :)

TO SELF: Always share life's moments with those people who matters to you. Let them know that you love them. Make them feel you love them. Find ways to help them out. Be there for them because that matters. Be yourself with them - do everything you can. Do not forget those who stood by your side and those who tried to be on your side. Appreciate. And if still you fall short, regret not for love given is not love wasted.