Monday, May 21, 2012 0 comments

jaded years

Jaded - Tired, bored, or lacking enthusiasm, typically after having had too much of something.

I am used to having a party on my birthday. It has always been one of the most-awaited days of the year. In my growing up years where I have found my circle of friends, my birthday became some sort of a reunion party.  And during my years of service in the government, I gain more friends – from the local peacekeepers (CVO), health workers, Barangay officials, and the youth groups of whom were additions to my birthday manifesto. There was this one birthday party of mine where there’s a table for Barangay Officials & Constituents, a table for my Singles For Christ community, a table for my college friends, a table for my older (drinking buddies) friends, a table for the youth groups, a table for my god children, and a table for my barkada. Wow! Of course, my family is there as well.

But last year was kinda different. I decided not to throw a party. I went for a quiet celebration at home. But still my officemates found a way to make my day special so they threw a pizza party at work. That was the first time (since high school) I wasn’t able to spend my birthday with my Barkada.

Now, it’s 2 days away from my 27th birthday. Holy Molly! Yes, I am not gonna hide the years – it keeps on adding up year after year and getting older is something inevitable (boo hoo). So hush hush. Any plans?! Hmmm…I’ve got tons of planning and party ideas in my head. Materializing the thoughts to reality will be the problem here. My head and heart are still battling. YES – I want to have a party and celebrate my day with my most loved peeps. NO – I guess it comes with age sometimes where you just want things to be simple, quiet, and convenient to the purse.

People who know me best expect something fun & surprising from me. They expect me to throw a themed-party, cook a special dish, give out handmade/customized giveaways, and a lot more alike. In the office, I am hesitant to even talk about my birthday. Why? Because I don’t want to share my day to some people that I am used to be closed with. With lots of twists & turns in the past months, I have decided to burn bridges and perform a memory dump. Now, if I treat my workmates it would be awkward to only invite selected people right? I don’t want that. And besides I honestly don’t want some people to have a part on my happy day – there’s no way I’m gonna celebrate with them. Don’t even try to talk me out on forgiveness and moving on because I have… I have moved on without those people. You can call it bitterness if you want but for me it is what it – it’s my day and I want to share it with the people I consider by good nuggets.

Let’s go back to the whole celebration thing! My friend Lester told me yesterday that we should have a get-together in my place. He said that there’s no need for a grand celebration or a table-full of food. Hahaha… of course I am dying to have a get together. But you see I don’t settle for a second rate event. If I can go beyond the normal and add in extra special scoop of fun then I am up for it. It’s just that the budget is tight lately due to some overspending stints and my happy hormones are not on their mood lately. So let's see what happens, anyway I still got 2 more days to figure out what I want :)

Wednesday, May 16, 2012 0 comments

puppy poopy power

 A new member of our family tree
3-month old Dachshund pup

Thursday, May 10, 2012 0 comments

"phone home" the sequel

We have a scheduled household meeting for Singles for Christ. It was raining. Someone we all assumed and wished to have the household meeting canceled – the attack of stubbornness! But UP ABOVE triumphs over our human nature – we pushed on with the activity.

The activity ended around 10:30PM. As much as I would like to hurry my way home, I can’t. The location of the household isn’t accessible to local pedicabs so we must walk. Consider the darkness and the muddy road – this even made our journey home slower.

When we reached the highway, there were no more pedicabs roaming around the streets. Again, we must walk. We were almost halfway when a pedicab stopped at us and invited us to take the ride. Of course we gave in – it has been a long night and our feet deserve a little rest from walking. Once I got home, I glued my eyes to the TV and watched Dong Yi (Koreanovela). It ended around 11:30PM – time for sleep then. Then I started to look for my cellular phone. I can’t seem to find it. I traced my actions & movements as I got home but I wasn’t successful in finding my phone. I could remember having it in my back pocket while we were in the pedicab. I remember that I turned it to silent mode. Crap! It can’t be gone! Not again!!!

I kept on recalling my actions but I didn’t figure out if I left it somewhere, if I misplaced it, if I dropped it, or what. Then my head started to play forward – what if I really lost my phone? Good thing is I just cleared my Inbox and deleted some pictures (not obscene pictures but awkward pictures). I was worried about the phone numbers saved in the sim card. I was worried on Papa’s sermon. I was worried because it was Papa’s gift to me. No no no! All I could do was worry and overthink. And so I wasn’t able to sleep.

05.09.2012 at 4:00AM
I was still awake. I can’t sleep. I tried changing my sleep position, covering my eyes, hiding beneath the sheets, and even begged into prayer that I’ll be able to sleep but then I just can’t. My mind is too active thinking of my lost phone. I can hear my heart beat pounding my chest. Then I heard our rooster making the morning alarm and I heard Papa opening the door in the sala. Oh my Lord it’s already morning. I got up from bed at 6:00AM and confessed to Papa about the phone with a poor-puppy-dog eyes and husky voice. Yes, I did get my expected sermon. I was still very worried. When I faced the mirror – good heavens!!! My eyes were lumping. Long time no see China eyes. The next thing I did was go outside and trace back the road I passed by last night. Remember that it is already 6:00 in the morning so people in our neighborhood are already up and some are already on their way to work. I wasn’t even wearing a brassiere! If you saw me, you might think that I am whacked because I was looking down the ground – with head moving in left to right and right to left directions. Still, I didn’t found my phone. I can still contact my phone so I am not sure if it is already in the hands of someone else.

I went home frustrated – devastated even! Crap! How stupid and careless could I be? This is the second time that I lost a phone. I wasn’t feeling well due to lack of sleep and I am in a very down mood to go to work. Mama told me to file a leave of absence. Nah, I’m still gonna worry when I’m at home so I’d rather go to work and kill time in the office. Before I took a shower I sent a text message to my phone using my brother’s phone, “Hi. If you found this phone, kindly contact this number. Thanks!”. I was hopeless. I took a shower.

Before I was able to turn on the shower I heard our dogs bark in unity. I thought that a stranger could have passed by our house. Then Papa called me, someone is looking for me. I rushed out – wrapping myself with the bath towel. There I saw the pedicab driver! He handed me my phone and told me that I dropped it last night.

Wow!!! Thank you Lord! It was really weird. The same with the first time I lost my phone, it was returned back to me. I kept on thanking the man. Papa told me to give him a reward. Oh no! I don’t have extra cash – all I have is my 1 week’s allowance. So I chopped out a P100 bill from my wallet and gave it to my heroic neighborhood friend. He refused to accept the money. He said he really intended to return my phone without expecting a reward. He was so embarrassed when I handed him the money. I insisted, “You can buy breakfast or use it for gasoline. It’s just a small amount.” Eventually he took the money that I forcefully placed in his hand. I kept on saying my Thank You. What a day! I got my phone back and someone proved his goodness. Eventually, I spent the day almost sleeping at my office desk, trying to cope up with the hours.

1. If it is meant for you, it will find its way back to you.
2. Never lose hope in others; believe that there is good in every person.
3. Worrying doesn't lead you to any good results.
4. Avoid putting your phone in your pockets specially if you are the forgetful and clumsy kind.

Monday, May 7, 2012 0 comments

merely a nightmare

I had such a weird dream last night! I cant seem to shake it off from my head. How am i suppose to start the story? brrrrrrrrrrrrrr! (horse sound). Okay, I'll just start on the scenes that were stuck on my head.

It was raining. As stubborn as I am, I did not bring an umbrella with me. The rain was pouring hard so I decided to go to the nearestmall to buy an umbrella. I asked for directions on which floor can I find the umbrella section and a mall crew told me to go to the 2nd floor. Instead of taking the stairs, I took the closest elevator. And then an incident happened.

The elevator had a malfunction. There was 3 of us inside the elevator: me, the elevator operator, and a stranger. The elevator rapidly ascended. Then it stopped on the top-most floor but that was only for awhile. The elevator descended in a breakneck!!! The 3 of us were panicking. I remember that I was whispering a prayer. As we were on our way down, I was struggling to open the door and somewhat asking for help to whoever. Before we reached our full stop at the bottom, I miraculously opened the door and was able to escape with the other passengers. Since it was a dream, I'm able to do things that reality won't permit. But because of the impact, we were not in good shape. I remember that I crawled & squeezed myself out of the small opening while the stranger was attended by a medical team. With staggered steps I was able to move away from the crowd - refusing to get any medical attention.

I need to call someone. I went back to the scene of accident were I left my phone. Once I was able to retrieve my phone, I exited once again from the crowd of people. I dialed a number. The other line rang. He picked up.

I called D. I informed him that I had an accident. I told him to come fetch me. I told him I need him. And to my shock...he refused to come for my rescue. What the heck!!! I cried in my dream...I think I begged him for awhile. But he was firm that he can't leave some office agenda for my sake. Damn! It hit me so hard. Even it was a hurt me in reality. When I woke up...I was so sad about it.

Why? Why can't he? Why? Even in my dreams --- he can't make a simple appearance?

I don't want Mama and Papa to worry for me. I am fine. I am alive. I just need someone to help me walk on my way home. I dialed another number. In a snap he came. My brother came for my rescue. My legs were really swollen. I can barely walk. I asked him to bring me to the nearest hospital. And as I know of my brother, he didn't argued with me...he knew I need him so he said yes in a blink of an eye.

Then the doctor gave me my diagnosis. I won't be living for long. He said my condition is getting worst and the symptoms are getting obvious. So I had a condition that I was hiding from everyone. The sickness didn't bothered me at all. It was the people that will stick it out with me that bothered me a lot.

Then I woke up --- bothered.

I have this crazy thought that I ain't gonna live that long. I foresee myself of having a heart problem just like my grandmother. That is why I am making a to-do list every year. That is why I want to just have a happy vibe always and drive away the things that would frustrate me. That is why I am always up for something new & something adventurous. I wanted every year to have significant memories to remember. Because I would not want to regret having a short-lived life but I'd rather have...A SHORT-LIVED LIFE WITH A LONG LONG LONG STORY TO TELL.

Friday, May 4, 2012 0 comments

my happy feet

My forever comfort shoes will always and only be CHUCKS! Not until I discovered sorores figlia.
I promise you that these shoes are so comfortable to wear - it would really make your feet happy (pinky swear!).

Consider that I am a "walker" who loves to take long walks once in awhile. So I need to have a good pair of shoes that would not spoil my walking and would not cause burden to my oh-so-overused feet. The sorores that I bought last month in SM Makati is worth every penny! It feels like your feet is resting on a soft sofa bed. It is so comfortable and does not have that attention-seeking sound whenever you walk in a quiet room - i call this "lotus-feet" sound.

If ever you're in the shoe store, go check sorores!

Tuesday, May 1, 2012 0 comments

breaking up is hard to do

PLAY MUSIC: I TRY by Macy Gray

Games, changes and fears
When will they go from here
When will they stop
I believe that fate has brought us here
And we should be together babe
But we're not
I play it off, but I'm dreaming of you
And I'll keep my cool, but I'm fiendin'

I try to say goodbye and I choke
Try to walk away and I stumble
Though I try to hide it, it's clear
My world crumbles when you are not here
Goodbye and I choke
I try to walk away and I stumble
Though I try to hide it, it's clear
My world crumbles when you are not here

I may appear to be free
But I'm just a prisoner of your love
And I may seem all right and smile when you leave
But my smiles are just a front
Just a front, hey
I play it off, but I'm dreaming of you
And I'll try to keep my cool, but I'm fiendin'

[Repeat Chorus]

Here is my confession
May I be your possession
Boy, I need your touch
Your love, kisses and such
With all my might I try
But this I can't deny


Yesterday was the day! I was so sure that I can pull it off. I have been practicing my lines and facial expressions. I need to break up with D. I handed him my reasons such as I am no longer happy, I've waited too long, we're not growing, I don't trust him anymore because of his frequent lying, and more blah-blah. Somehow he defended himself. I asked him some questions - he didn't answer most of them. Then I ended up asking him, "what's my favorite color?!". He failed to give an answer and we both laughed at it. We didn't argue. He just listened. We were still talking about this and that. I told him that I'd like to break up with him. It was weird really. We were both calm. I'm not sure if we had a closure or did we really break up or what. When I got home, we still exchanged text messages.

Today, he came by the house with chocolates and other stuffs for me. We talked for awhile like yesterday didn't happen. So I guess we didn't really break up at all. Maybe it was just one of those days where I need to flush out some thoughts and feelings to him. Bloopers!!!


life begins at 30

They say that life begins at 30. Oh well, I say life starts to backtrack for me when my waistline reached 30.
I didn’t notice that I am gaining weight because I am enjoying eating a lot. I have a hypothesis before that I have a fast metabolism and I have small bones – reasons that made me believe that I will not reached the LARGE size category.
I am not even conscious on my weight before. I used to say that I’d like to see how I would look if I gain a lot of weight. Here’s a preview of my picture enhanced with a phone application that 2 years ago. 

Lately, I have devoured in eat-all-you-can, unlimited rice, rice meal for snacks, and just a lot of eating. Then I felt that I am heavy. My reflexes were not as fast as before. I often get knee cramps. 

Because of my insanity and worries, I wished for a “twist board” last Christmas for a gift as I was planning to firm up by 2012. Yes, early January I am committed to a 5 to 10 minutes of doing the abs-twisting routine. It was so tiring and painful especially in the waist area. So I waved my white flag in less than a month.

Then poof!!! I saw a TV commercial of an iced tea drink that would help block carbohydrates – CarbTrim. I speedy-gonzalez my way to the grocery and bought a box. I think I just finished up 20 packs – about 1 week. I can’t keep up with a scheduled routine; I always forget to drink before or after the meal. So I screw up again.

Fairy Godmother then appeared to me and flaunted an image in the newspaper - Spanx. It’s not food or a way of exercise - but body shapers! Maybe I can cheat on my figure and fake those curves with this. So I checked right away in the web the prices – WTF!!! It costs P3,000 plus. So I trashed the thought.

Then I heard a lot of comments from my friends here and there. They say I am getting fat. They ask if I am pregnant. Hahahahaha! That’s when I told myself, “This is fun! I should keep or add more weight”. I liked the facial reactions when people see me. Have I really gained that much? All I know is I’m now a size 30 for stretchable jeans. 10 years ago my waistline is 23 and getting that again is now an impossible dream. 

Currently, I am trying a whole-grain-meal - Nestle FITNESS. Not that I want to go on a diet or loose a lot of weight. I just want to get rid of my tummy bulge.