thursday cleaners

once there was a boy
he has distant and elusive eyes
once there was a girl
she has warmth and wonder in her eyes

they belong in the same class
she offered a handshake
he refused
she asked questions
he didn't answer

little did the boy knew that the girl is quite optimistic
she spent most of the school year watching him
reading him
memorizing every expression in his face
he cared not

the girl longed for connections
the boy restrained connections
it all began this way
she pushed, he pulled away

the girl find an answer in her prayers once a week
there is one day that they share hours
before the class starts and at the end of every class
they were assigned to Thursday Cleaners

for the brief ran of the hands of the clock
they did the same thing and they were in the same place
and once the cleaning tasks are done 
they go back to being strangers without any connection 

Thursday is that once in a blue moon stroke of fate
that most awaited rain in Sahara
that sweet promise 
and that fairy tale day when your wish gets granted

it could have been unrequited 
it could have been a childhood love that one will out grow
but the girl took to account all the hidden glances of the boy
all the silent details she recorded in her memory

years later - one day the boy told her,
"your love at 16 will not be your love at 24"
the girl was a struck with sudden realization 
and the possibilities of truth in what the boy have said

"i will cross the bridge when i get there" 
the girl told herself with conviction
he remained distant and she remained optimistic
and they continued sharing Thursdays

traces

in case you want to validate the proof of your existence
you don't need to look far to seek for answers
put your gaze on me and you'll find your traces
you are carved in my very existence

you have walked from my youngest memories
and you have been constant in my dreams
your touch have crawled over my skin
and your voice have echoed in my ears

your story is intertwined with mine
your imprints are marked in my very soul
so in case you forget or somehow get lost
look for me... you'll find yourself here

always & nevers

always starting the conversation with "How are you?"
always volunteering us for something new
(are you the oracle or something? can you really tell things that we didn't know we can do?)

always cheering everyone with your joyfulness and positivity
always seeing every person's potential and ability

always looking over the people around you
always believing that things will work out like they always do

never dull to share all those meetings that last for long hours
never failing to admit when other's idea is better than yours
(although you'll try next time to prove that you're right haha)

never forgetting to compliment with "good job" and "thank you"
never blaming when people make mistakes, it is not your kind of game

never selfish in giving support, trust and even video cameo
never failing to touch our hearts...the way that only Ed Forer can do!

so here's to always and nevers!
never will be the same
always you will be missed

 

 

  

PS: 

If I will be given a chance to rewrite my career life...

I'd still chose to work with you Eddie

ge·om·e·try

I don't understand how my daily life will be affected with the value of Pi = 3.14159
I have no interest in tying any relations to the trigonometry family of tangents and cosine

And why trouble finding x and y? 
Can't we just live with add, subtract, divide and multiply?

Yes, I have trouble in numbers - they dance and I get topsy-turvy
I hardly memorize my phone number and only manage to recall my Dad's in case of emergency

xxx
 

Okay, enough with the attempt of rhyming in each line. The point I am getting into is I flunk in Math - all its branches included. Sorry to all my Math teachers, you are not accounted for in my deficiency. It's just because. Somehow I was able to get passing grades in college for all the Math subjects although I took Algebra twice (haha).

But life is ironic. Truly is! Somehow Math found its way to me without me knowing. All along I was mastering some fields of Mathematics.

If Ding and I are points, we would be point A and B. No matter the space, distance, time and loops in between - these 2 points will always find each other. Points A and B will then traverse together to the power of infinity. That's my geometry! The branch of math concerned with the properties and relations of points.

Also recently, Ding and I have been busy with measurements as well. Meters, Feet, Inches and Centimeters. And I kind of find it fun! Yeah, maybe because I am motivated on the planning of our soon-to-be house. Ding showed me the layout plan, the materials to be used, the possible expenses, and all that. Numbers were flashing in front of me but I was unfazed.

So that's about it... just bits and pieces of my applied geometry.

don't mess with my KEFI

Composure has been a friend of mine for quite some time now. I am able to keep things still and more private on my relationship matters. Well, I used to be all-talk and share-all type then you realize that there were things that you wish you should have not done or you should have done differently. Regret is the word that rings a bell.

Women loves to vent. We vent out our thoughts and feelings to the world, to our friends (sometimes to the not-so-close ones), to our family, to our workmates, and to whoever is there at the moment. So I had my shares of venting - and this means quite a lot ^_^ Well, it was immature and absurd of me (that I have to admit) to randomly blabber to gain sympathy thus putting the other person in a bad light.

But thanks to Experience. I was able to outgrow my immature behavior. Now I am more composed. I only share the things that are worth sharing to people worth sharing to. When a war is about to blow in my chest - I compose myself. When bliss is all over my skin - I compose myself. When I am torn apart - I compose myself. Life became less complicated. 

But today there's something I would like to tell my composed-self - "let go".

---

Dearest self,

I know we talk most of the time and there's nothing wrong with that. I know that we've done a good job in keeping things less complicated in our life. 

I know that we are scared to declare to the universe our happiness. We fear that by declaring it - it will be jinxed. And yes this is a contradiction to having faith but the thought of losing the stillness of our happiness is dreadful. And so we took comfort in being private. 

Somehow this private life bored us, to be honest. It must have been exciting and fun to share when we get butterflies in our stomach, when we get jitters every time the only love of our life performs acts of chivalry, when we get pissed of petty misunderstandings, when we get excited of future plans, when we have those precious moments and beautiful conversations, and just what happens in our life. But there's always another side of the coin. Sharing would allow other people to comment and give their opinions - this is not the exchange we want. And so, we decided that our matters of the heart is not a circus for everyone to witness.

But lately it is getting harder to contain the happiness. I feel like I'm about to burst in celebration and just let the world know that we are HAPPY. 

So please tell me that - "it's okay, it's love". Please give me the assurance that if I let this happiness show, the world will not renounce it.

 So here goes - I am happy. I am.

in STILLness

STILL

Hide me now

Under your wings

Cover me

within your mighty hand

When the oceans rise and thunders roar

I will soar with you above the storm

Father you are king over the flood

I will be still and know You are God

Find rest my soul

In Christ alone

Know his power

In quietness and trust

~~~

The song STILL of Hillsong United is one of the best songs that I have sang. Sinner as I am, I hinged on my dependence to God and the best form of prayer for me is through songs of praises & worship.

 

I will open-up a small portion of my life – one of the hardest struggles I must say. Maybe it is time to release it to the world so the load that I have been carrying would be lighter.

It was October of 2013 that my father was diagnosed with Lung Cancer stage III. 1/3 of his left lung was removed and he was hospitalized for almost a month.

Yes, I crumbled. My knees were shaken. I cried in secret from my family. I hanged on to every strength that I have – not really knowing how much is left. From what I remembered on my conversation with God is I never questioned Him – "WHY?". "Why not me?" I say, God chose me to carry this cross and I will put my faith in Him. I am not excluded from pain. It was an opportunity from God for our family to be stronger and an opportunity for my faith to be tested and so I welcomed it with conviction. True enough I have prayer warriors who prayed for my father, I have friends and family who gave me strength in every way. Although I might have rejected some of their comfort because as much as possible I would not like to admit the fact that I was weak – that I needed help. It was not a time to think of myself – it was not. 

I had to talk to the doctors & nurses, check on the needed procedures with the hospital, buy medications and necessities, run to the bank back and forth, keep family updated, go home to check on the other members of the family, work in between hours in the hospital, and remember to breath. That was the longest 4 weeks in my life, by far.

There was a moment that my father wanted to give up – maybe because he was tired of chasing his breaths or tired to be in the hospital (knowing how stubborn he is) – I refuse to break down. He was opt to be moved in the ICU but it was full so all equipments were moved in the room to keep him monitored and stable. In all pretense I gave him a strong look and told him – “If you’re tired then just rest for a while. If you’re weak then borrow strength from me. Don’t be stubborn Pa.” My voice was shaking and the tears were about to fall but I tried my very best to keep it all in. Mama and Papa might get worried to see me cry. Then again my father shared some farewell words. The three of us - Papa, Mama, and myself - were holding hands in the room listening to the unstable heart rate monitor.

When in pain, RESPOND IN FAITH.

And with my staggering voice I kept singing the song STILL – “…I will be still and know You are God”. I surrender to the Lord – I will let Him do His plans. I have come to accept that He is a Great God and He is bigger than my fears, worries, and pains.

“…I will be still and know You are God”

Minutes later, the heart rate monitor normalized. The mass that was blocking my father’s air passage was coughed out. Oh how great is our God! Days later he was discharged, 3 months after he went back to work, and now more than a year after – my father’s health is good with no recurrence of the C word.

The doctor gave us a 20% chance of survival but God assured me more that those numbers. I continue to pray for healing because the journey doesn’t end there. There will be storms and floods and I am not certain that I will be strong or if my faith will not waiver but – God will be there for me. He will send instruments and blessings for me to remember His presence. He will make His existence known through His miracles.

an ode to my good-old-alak-days

uupo
pupwesto 
bubuo ng bilog na hugis

maatasan ang isa
na syang taga buhos ng inumin
na tila bagang tantyado ang sukat

iikot ang baso
iikot ang usapan
aalingawngaw ang tawanan

paulit-ulit ang paksa
mga balik-tanaw sa nakaraan
sa kabataan at kahapon

kamakailang beses dadaan ang baso
may ilan na pipiliin munang sumablay
may ilan naman na handang sumalo ng tagay

sa grupo may mahilig bumida ng kwento
may suki ng asar at biro
may tahimik na tumatawa lang sa sulok

eto ang isa sa mga paborito kong sandali
sa aking paningin, tumatakbo nang marahan ang oras
habang pinagmamasdan ko ang bawat isa

naanino ko ang saya at kung gaano na katagal ang pagsasama
kinukunan ko ng larawan sa aking isipan ang kanilang mga ngiti
at isinisilid ko sa aking memorya ang mga kwento

eto ang mga sandaling walang bahid ng pagkukunwari
ang bawat isa ay masaya
ang bawat isa ay totoo

isang magandang baon para bukas
na syang magtuturo sa'yo kung saan ka babalik at tutungo
ang mga tao at kwentong tatatak sa iyong pagkatao
  

...at ipapasa muli ang baso

pap-pa-rap-PAPA

to the man who taught me how to tie my shoe laces,

how to keep the right lace over the left lace,
and to always shine my shoes before school days
no matter how long the miles these feet have walked
i would always run home

to the man who taught me how to ride a bicycle,

who invited me to ride with him on weekends to the green fields and hills of our island,

instructed me how to shift gears on uphill and downhill trails,

when to use the front and back breaks,

how to adjust my breathing pace,

to not push myself too much - to just pause and take a rest,

and when to stop pedaling to enjoy the view

to the third person who taught me how to draw

well, lolo and lola came first & second in my list

as a kid i am always fascinated with your caricatures Pa

then you guided my every pencil stroke

taught me the proper drawing skills

let me played with my imaginations with your pens

to my invisible supporter

it is seldom that you come to the competitions i join,

to recognitions and graduation,

to the events i organize

but i know for sure that you support me because

you accompany me on my late-night planning & worrying

you give me ideas and suggestion

to the man who didn't limit his kid on knowing, learning, and experiencing

you let me do the electrical works when we set-up christmas lights

you let me climb the trees

you let me climb to the rooftop and fix the antenna

you let me paint our house

you let me join competitions from quiz bee to poster making to landscaping to street dancing

you let me contribute opinions on our house renovation
you let me wander far far places as you silently wait for my return

to the man who bought me my very own typewriter

so i can work on my school projects and paper

it made me explore words that i can type into the pages

then in college bought me a computer
so i can work on my programming subjects
it sure did exercised my brain cells
you have always supported my studies 

to the man who secretly sneaks at my room every night
to check if i am already home 
and sometimes tucks me in 
as a child Pa, one of the most magical thing that I continue to treasure is...
to fall asleep in the sala watching tv then waking up the next day at my bed
Superman could be real!

to the man who shared his music to his child who has an old soul
i love guessing the song title and artist with you on weekends
then you tell a story about the song and the artist
i love sharing a cup of coffee during rainy days at the veranda as we listen to the radio
i love to get scolded by you when you catch me listening to the music of the new generation
i love hearing you sing those old songs then somehow comically change the lyrics - hahaha

to the man who religiously do the household chores 
instead of hanging out with friends you prefer to go home early to do the grocery and cook
you are so stubborn that you don't know the word - REST
i admire your calloused hands that do the laundry, cooking, cleaning, small repairs, and more
i wish that i could lighten the burden as i try to share those chores with you
i am your ROBIN in all your father-missions!

to the man who would cook a special dish only for me (hehe)

just because i am not a fan of a fish-dish

you always try to cook another viand for me

you have spoiled my taste buds

and it doesn't end there because you even teach me your cooking prowess

to my talk-buddy!
every morning before we go work
every night as i come home
you tell me how you're day went as i tell you mine
you give me your opinions and stand on an issue
you somehow listen to mine and contradict annoyingly - hahaha
to the one of the greatest story-teller

you filled my heart with wonder Pa!

 

and when you became a grandfather
i witnessed your tenderness
i witnessed how you loved that little boy like he was you're own
you were the only one who could stop that little boy from crying when he has tantrums
there is something in your swing - only you can do that!
you would always talk to that little boy even he can't utter words yet and he would try his best to respond
and it was amazing Pa!

you see Pa, i have always followed whatever you tell me

because I trust your gut, I trust your intentions

i read the graduation speech you wrote for me, but i skipped some of the lines (hehe)

i took the government exams you asked me to

i ran for public office when you asked me to

i took the college degree you asked me to, but eventualy I shifted

i would skip school or work when you ask me to just to perform a task
but there's one thing i would do without you asking me
i will stay by your side - believe me :)
i won't chase those elusive dreams if that means being apart from the family
i will be here...

Pops, i wanted to grow up with you looking at me

I didn't want to be far from your sight because I wanted your eyes to witness
That i am your kid - your very own reflection!

 

 

 

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY PANG!