Tuesday, March 27, 2012

the perks of having S.A.D.

S.A.D. or Separation Anxiety Disorder is a psychological condition in which an individual experiences excessive anxiety regarding separation from home or from people to whom the individual has a strong emotional attachment.

source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Separation_anxiety_disorder


I am my own shrink so my diagnosis for all these crappy-sentimental-baggage is S.A.D. I'd like to site some points of symptoms why ended up with this disorder.
  1. Death of grandparents. Lola died when I was 10 and Lolo died when I was 12. I am now 27 and I still cry whenever I miss them, I light up when I talk about them, and I feel envious whenever I see a Lolo or Lola with their grandchild/ren. Even to the present time I talk to them, I write letters whenever I can, I always think of them and I still wish that they are with me. It's like a wound that will never heal - ever!
  2. Summer vacation in the year 1997, Lolo and I went to Manila. We stayed in my uncle's home in Cavite. After almost a month, on the day of my birthday - May 23, I begged Lolo that we go home. All because I wanted to celebrate my birthday at home like I always have. My uncle was upset because he would have wanted to spend more time with Lolo. Of course Lolo granted my request and we went home right away. I don't like to change the setups where I am happy and comfortable.
  3. My older sister got married at age 24 (I was 22 at that time). Time was stolen from Ate and me. We never got the chance to have all those normal sisterly bonding. During college, she was renting a room at the city while I stayed at home with our parents. When she graduated, she moved to Manila while I stayed at home with our parents. I was more eager to spend time and invest bonds with friends as I was growing apart from my sister...physically, mentally and emotionally. When she tied the knot, that's the time I realized that we will never ever have all those sisterly bonding because her priority will be building her own family while I stay at home with our parents, still. Somehow I was mad at her because I felt like she escaped from all the responsibilities at home - responsibilities of the first child. I cried so bad at her wedding. But with some few good turns of God's magic wand we reconnected when she gave birth to my favorite one and only nephew, Arby.
  4. Graduating High School and entering college. I am bounded with the same set of friends since elementary days to High School. I have the same set of classmates for 10 years. In college, we all have separated since we went into different schools with different courses. I remember crying in the classroom because I don't know anyone. Not less than 2 months I shifted to a different course - Computer Science, which 8 of my high school friends took. And so happy days are back...I am surrounded with people I know. Although most of them didn't pursue the course, Padz and I stick out for more than 4 years as classmates.   
  5. Resignation of workmates. [1] Ren, my mentor, decided to resign during my 2nd year at work and left me her responsibilities. I cried on her last day at work and was depressed for a few months. Now, I am the godmother of her 3rf child and we get to communicate and see each other once in every while. [2] Shynne, my seatmate for more than a year and one of the closest friend I have at work, surprised us with her resignation. I think above everyone I was the one who exaggerated her exit because I didn't talked to her during her final days. Good thing is I got over with my immaturity and now we are good. [3] Glaiza, also one of my closest friends at work, resigned to find a better opportunity for career growth. I was hurt so I didn't gave her a nice gesture of goodbye. But we were able to patch things up eventually. I always have a tendency of "going mute" and giving an "i don't see you" attitude whenever someone close to me is about to leave. I am coping on this even to the present time. 

Not only with people but I also do have a very strong attachment on material things with sentimental value. I am an excellent keeper. It may look as garbage but I see them as priceless treasures.
  1. I can't let go of my childhood clothes, they are still perfectly starched and ironed in my old closet.
  2. My favorite pants underwent countless overhaul and alterations just because I can't throw it away. If only the pants can speak it could have told me "would you please give up on me already?!"
  3. My favorite shirts are still piled up in my closet even though the sizes doesn't fit me anymore. All because I like remembering the events that I got to wore those shirts.
  4. Scribbles, random notes, and letters dated from 1997 are all kept safely in my memory box.
  5. First rose I received is well-pressed and sealed.
  6. Receipt of my first date with D.
  7. My childhood pillow.
  8. Stones, shells, sand, leaf and anything I can grab from a memorable day.
  9. Friendship ring that I am wearing since year 2006.
  10. Pair of earings that Papa gave me as a gift I think more than 10 years ago. I never considered on exchanging it for a new pair. No way!
I am not good with goodbyes. I am not a fan of big changes. I stay and stick out. I settle. But you see, there were lessons I learned and one of it is "goodbyes" are inevitable in this life. We can't control some situations and there are people and things that we are suppose to let go.

What I am saying is somehow, I am trying to manage my reactions now. I'm not sure of how to cure this disorder...therapies won't work on me! Coping...this is the process I am in.

But whenever I am sad or I miss the old days...I take comfort from the old stuffs I keep, old people in my life, and old memories I stored in my memory cache.