Wednesday, July 24, 2013

i don't have words

I haven’t seen you for more than three weeks now. Missing you has finally taken its toll on me. Sadness is piling up in my doorsteps and I think it’s about time to open the door and face it.

What happened? Why? Would you please tell me and make me understand.

I decided not to share to the world what happened because I have a strong conviction that everything will pass quickly. You will bounce back to reality that you’re home is here in my heart. I was so sure that’s why I gave you the space and time you asked for. You needed it. You asked for it. I can’t be selfish. But giving you time and space does not mean letting you go - no, so don't consider the thought of letting me go as well.

I kept praying that I often fall asleep praying. I pray that you will be reminded of me, that you will think me of each day so you won’t forget that God has bounded us because of love. I pray that these pains will not prolong any longer. I pray that God will give me strength because I feel weak every time – every time I remember your words of quitting. Don’t quit on me! We must not get tired of loving.

I worry that if people would know - they will judge you unfairly. There’s an 98% chance that they will take my side. They might not understand you the way I do. They might give you cold stares and call you names – I don’t want that to happen. I wanted to protect you from all that because I know you best – maybe you're just having an episode - you must have a good reason to call it quits. I can't let you get hurt. I can't let you suffer. So for now, I will return a smile when people ask me about you (this means almost every day! crap!) and dodge giving out hints that we are not okay.

I tried to conceal the pain, i really did. I tried not to cry. I tried not to frown. I tried not to be mad at you. I tried not to talk about it because I don’t need other’s sympathy – that won’t help at all. The last thing I need is the pitty of people that matters to me – please have confidence in me that I will sort this all out and I will be fine. I tried not to write (know that writing is my remedy and stopping myself from writing is like refusing treatment) about it either because it will only materialize my thoughts and feelings – I will only have something to read over and over again that would remind me of the feeling. But my hopes are already falling short. And here I am – giving in to the urge of writing because all I have now are words.

I might have expected too much from you. Yes, I expect you to be by my side, I expect you to choose me, I expect you to run to me whenever I need you, I expect you to keep your words, I expect you to be there in my future – but that doesn’t seem to be case now right?  I am dead scared I guess – I guess, I haven’t put a lot of thought on it.

Now I can’t avoid the questions running in my head. Have you really given up? Have you completely shut yourself from me? Why? Don't I have a say in this - because I never agreed on this breakup! Will you really choose to hurt me and yourself? Will you endure all these for what? If you are hurting yourself in this process then please stop – please. This doesn’t benefit the both of us. Are you doing fine? Do you have someone to talk to about your thoughts and about your day? Are you okay with work? I actually think that I can ignore the past weeks and erase it like it never happened and I will still gaze at you the same way with hearts drawn all over my face. 

And today, I insisted to see you and insisted that I will wait until you show up. I was nervous because at the back of my head I know that there's a huge possibility that you won't show up. But I should not waver. You didn't reply to my invitation but I am willing to gamble the chances. So I went to the rendezvous early. Finally you cared to reply - declining my invitation because you will spend an overtime at work. That's your reason?!!! I said that I'll wait until you're done with work and then you replied a cold message - "sorry, now not please". You got to be kidding me! What a selfish prick to only think of himself and not consider the feelings of the person who held on to you for years - a person who has complete faith on the man in you! But then again, I can't be overwhelmed by these feelings (shake head) - you have reasons and one day I'll be able to hear them out.

Okay, I can't push it any further so I decided to go home alone. I kept rewinding our exchange of messages and I sensed that you might be in a not-so-good situation. Maybe you are really busy with work and thinking over a girl waiting would just mess things more - I can't put you on that torture. Maybe you are not ready to face me. Maybe there's really something going on. I'm not sure about a lot of things but there's one I am certain of - today it was clear and accentuated... I am hurting.

So the jokes on me, darn! Why? Because I still tell myself not to give up just yet – not yet! I will endure a little more. I will see it through the end – and satisfy myself that I waited enough and beyond for you. I just wish you cared. That would have been nice. And guess what, I will not care to look foolish at all. It is my happiness that is at stake here and I should have a firm grit (Clench the teeth in order to keep one's resolve when faced with an unpleasant or painful duty). There's a time for my tears to fall but not today, not today.

Tonight, the heavens cried on my behalf...