Monday, February 16, 2015

in STILLness


Hide me now
Under your wings
Cover me
within your mighty hand

When the oceans rise and thunders roar
I will soar with you above the storm
Father you are king over the flood
I will be still and know You are God

Find rest my soul
In Christ alone
Know his power
In quietness and trust


The song STILL of Hillsong United is one of the best songs that I have sang. Sinner as I am, I hinged on my dependence to God and the best form of prayer for me is through songs of praises & worship.
I will open-up a small portion of my life – one of the hardest struggles I must say. Maybe it is time to release it to the world so the load that I have been carrying would be lighter.

It was October of 2013 that my father was diagnosed with Lung Cancer stage III. 1/3 of his left lung was removed and he was hospitalized for almost a month.

Yes, I crumbled. My knees were shaken. I cried in secret from my family. I hanged on to every strength that I have – not really knowing how much is left. From what I remembered on my conversation with God is I never questioned Him – "WHY?". "Why not me?" I say, God chose me to carry this cross and I will put my faith in Him. I am not excluded from pain. It was an opportunity from God for our family to be stronger and an opportunity for my faith to be tested and so I welcomed it with conviction. True enough I have prayer warriors who prayed for my father, I have friends and family who gave me strength in every way. Although I might have rejected some of their comfort because as much as possible I would not like to admit the fact that I was weak – that I needed help. It was not a time to think of myself – it was not. 

I had to talk to the doctors & nurses, check on the needed procedures with the hospital, buy medications and necessities, run to the bank back and forth, keep family updated, go home to check on the other members of the family, work in between hours in the hospital, and remember to breath. That was the longest 4 weeks in my life, by far.

There was a moment that my father wanted to give up – maybe because he was tired of chasing his breaths or tired to be in the hospital (knowing how stubborn he is) – I refuse to break down. He was opt to be moved in the ICU but it was full so all equipments were moved in the room to keep him monitored and stable. In all pretense I gave him a strong look and told him – “If you’re tired then just rest for a while. If you’re weak then borrow strength from me. Don’t be stubborn Pa.” My voice was shaking and the tears were about to fall but I tried my very best to keep it all in. Mama and Papa might get worried to see me cry. Then again my father shared some farewell words. The three of us - Papa, Mama, and myself - were holding hands in the room listening to the unstable heart rate monitor.

When in pain, RESPOND IN FAITH.
And with my staggering voice I kept singing the song STILL – “…I will be still and know You are God”. I surrender to the Lord – I will let Him do His plans. I have come to accept that He is a Great God and He is bigger than my fears, worries, and pains.

“…I will be still and know You are God”

Minutes later, the heart rate monitor normalized. The mass that was blocking my father’s air passage was coughed out. Oh how great is our God! Days later he was discharged, 3 months after he went back to work, and now more than a year after – my father’s health is good with no recurrence of the C word.

The doctor gave us a 20% chance of survival but God assured me more that those numbers. I continue to pray for healing because the journey doesn’t end there. There will be storms and floods and I am not certain that I will be strong or if my faith will not waiver but – God will be there for me. He will send instruments and blessings for me to remember His presence. He will make His existence known through His miracles.